Day 1. Start of summer
It’s going to be a perfect day. I’ve woken up early but already there is sunlight creeping through the cracks in my curtains and the potential for warmth fills the air around me, but it is refreshingly cool as I step out of bed.
Somehow it even smells like summer and suddenly I am so excited. What should I do on this prefect day?
Anything but waste it.
I feel suddenly proud that I am up this early, like the day’s perfection is mine until other people come downstairs and remark on the ‘nice weather.’ Ordinarily I would go on an adventure, running along the coast, feeling the fresh sea breeze on my face as the temperature slowly climbs. I stare at my leg and fight back tears.
I don’t know why it haunts me so much to not have a plan, I fear wasting any time not doing something I love or at least value as productive work. The idea of a whole day with nothing to do has never excited me. I feel nauseous, like the day is an ocean I must cross and sea-sickness is already upon me, clouding my thoughts and dissipating my will to do anything.
In my head I imagine everyone else as slowly the beauty of this day, that so early this morning was my secret, hits them and they run outside. In my imagination they are having amazing adventures, on the beach, in parks, playing football, having BBQ’s…
Right now I blame my leg for everything, and it is true I did used to spend my summers running, but the BBQ’s and the park days with friends I am sure were less common than I now imagine.
I am not sure of the reasons behind our restless generation. Social media has been blamed, and it’s true, sitting on my bedroom floor feeling sad is not improved by Instagram perfected photos from Australia that attack my newsfeed in rapid fire succession, so that the Buzzfeed article that could have told me exactly what I wanted for dinner is now lost beneath bronzed bodies having more fun than me.
Maybe I fear plans are being made without me? I brace myself for more photos of things I didn’t go to and puzzle at the beauty of the day again.
It is so nice outside.
Something must be happening?
Why am I not invited?
The thing is – personally I haven’t actually planned anything to do today.
Not having a functioning leg has taken away my easy method of amusing myself by running or playing football for my team back home. But what’s more I have realised that for some reason the frustration with my injury has spread to how I think about everything else in my life. I now seem to believe that I am stuck inside and my friends are all out socialising, ‘too busy’ to spend any time with me now I am slow and less capable.
Day 2. Mid Summer…
… technically though, I live in Scotland so it is like 15 degrees. Maybe.
It is going to be another sunny day but instead of focusing on what I cannot do I arrange to meet all of my friends in the park to sunbathe. We wander into town later and watch a move after having dinner at someone’s house in town, and then head back to someone else’s after the film to hang out.
Today was a lovely day…
I think maybe a huge part of my happiness can come from simply having company and not being alone.
If you are alone in the gym focused on just getting better personally you may never be satisfied, if you always run on you own and focus on your times you may never be fast enough, if you stay in your room and assume everyone is busy you may always feel lonely.
It is so easy ‘un’-isolate yourself, but when you’ve got yourself in a rut it takes a hell of a lot of confidence and self love to reach out to people.
To quote Nike: ‘Just do it’